The Hidden Reasons Dads Are Happier Than Moms: Balance the Mental Load

Organizing the calendar, scheduling all of the appointments, grocery shopping and meal planning, and keeping track of the last roll of toilet paper before it runs out-usually falls on moms. Despite efforts for equal partnerships, studies show women still handle most housework and childcare. This imbalance includes not only physical tasks but also cognitive and emotional labor, like planning and managing all of the family’s needs.

Research highlights that women often take on the role of “project manager” in households, handling most aspects of family life. This mental load is invisible but constant, leading to stress and anxiety, as moms juggle numerous responsibilities and worry about their children’s futures.

Even though couples may believe they share responsibilities equally, societal norms and expectations often push women into these roles. For instance, daughters typically do more chores than sons, reinforcing the idea that domestic work is primarily a woman’s responsibility. Additionally, societal judgment harshly critiques women on the state of their homes, linking it to their personal worth.

This pressure leads to “maternal gatekeeping,” where mothers take on specific childcare tasks that could be shared, reinforcing traditional gender roles. Despite progress in normalizing men’s involvement in childcare, women are still seen as the primary caretakers, with greater societal consequences if things go wrong.

Research shows that fathers are generally happier during child care because they often engage in more fun, recreational activities with their kids. This disparity in responsibilities can have significant consequences for mothers and their relationships.

The Mental Load and Its Consequences

The uneven distribution of household duties and childcare tasks often leaves mothers feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. This imbalance can strain marriages, as repeated requests for help may be perceived as nagging, which wears on relationships. Sociologist Daniel Carlson from the University of Utah found that couples with unequal caregiving responsibilities also experience less sexual intimacy. So now we’re left overwhelmed, and our marriages are suffering. Sound familiar…

Moreover, this overextension at home affects women’s professional lives. Many mothers find it challenging to meet the extra demands of their workplaces, contributing to the gender pay gap. Women are more likely to work part-time or leave the workforce entirely, reducing their chances for pay raises or promotions.

Communication Is Key

To address this imbalance, couples need to communicate explicitly about their household responsibilities. It’s essential to recognize and acknowledge the invisible labor involved in planning and organizing family activities. By making these tasks visible, both partners can better understand and share the load. Write it down… ALL of it. List out what you think of when that running to-do list wakes you up in the middle of the night. Look at ways to divide the load more fairly. You truly don’t have to do it all. And our spouses would be happy to make the extra store run, or call to schedule appointments, if it means we’re happier as moms and it frees up some time to focus on our relationship.

Same-sex couples often have a more equitable distribution of household duties, demonstrating that sharing the load is possible when not bound by traditional gender roles. Explicitly stating the planning involved in every aspect of childcare and housework can clarify the extent of hidden work done by mothers.

Rethinking Gender Roles

On a societal level, it’s crucial to challenge deep-seated beliefs about gender roles. Plenty of research indicates that egalitarian views on task-sharing can enhance relationship satisfaction, including sexual frequency. It’s time to let go of the thought that we are supposed to do it all. We weren’t designed to, and it’s crushing the mental well-being of too many moms. Policies promoting workplace flexibility and encouraging men to take paternity leave can also help balance the load at home. Don’t be afraid to use the benefits offered, and don’t worry about what other people think when you do. It’s more about preserving the happiness of our home, which leaves little time to compare and worry about others.

Doing Less to Achieve More

One practical solution for reducing the mental load on mothers is to consciously do less. This approach might initially cause stress or judgment, but it can encourage fathers to step up and share responsibilities more equally. Over time, this shift can increase the partner’s involvement and free up mental energy for mothers to focus on their own well-being.

Ultimately, learning to balance household duties through open communication and challenging traditional roles can lead to greater happiness for both parents. By sharing the mental and physical load more equitably, we can create more harmonious and supportive family environments.