The Silent Struggle of Our Solo Mission: Why Moms Feel So Alone & How to Get the Support You Deserve
“Why Am I Doing This Alone?”
From sleepless nights to endless diaper changes and constant mom-guilt, new mom life can feel like a solo mission—even when you’re married. That overwhelming loneliness isn’t just because your partner can’t figure out how to hold a bottle without asking a million questions. For so many moms, it’s because they’re navigating a world of impossible expectations, carrying the invisible weight of the perfect mom standard, and feeling like they can’t let their guard down without risking everything.
And believe me, I’ve been there. During the early years of our marriage, my husband was gone six months out of the year, traveling for work while I juggled everything from teething babies to late-night feedings. The mental—and physical—isolation was real. It took a real “come-to-Jesus” talk, a mountain of research, and more therapists, but we made it to the other side. My hope is to spare you the trial-by-fire we endured (and the thousands of dollars of bills) and offer you the support and solutions that worked for us. So you can pour that money into date nights instead 😉
So, if you’ve ever felt like you’re carrying the world on your shoulders and no one will ever be there to lighten the burden, I’m writing this for you…
The Pressure Cooker of Modern Motherhood
Motherhood today isn’t just about raising kids—it’s about balancing careers, relationships, social expectations, and personal well-being (or at least pretending we still have well-being). And somewhere in there, we’re also supposed to keep our marriages intact. Let’s face it, there’s a reason why moms everywhere feel the pressure, guilt, and loneliness piling on. It’s ridiculous, and there’s no roadmap, because only a few decades ago, we couldn’t even start a business without a man to cosign for us. But now we have to have this new world all figured out, with perfectly manicured nails too!
Here’s why it’s so intense:
- Unrealistic Expectations: Society tells moms to be everything at once: a perfect caregiver, spouse, friend, and career woman. No one trained us for this, and the “perfect mom” trope only adds to the feeling of constant failure. Don’t fall into the trap.
- Isolation in Marriage: We’re often too scared to express our pain because vulnerability feels risky, especially when we’re barely holding it together. And when your partner sees you exhausted but doesn’t know what to do, it can feel like a wall going up instead of support. How about we get you to the point where he sees your four day old unwashed hair and knows that HE missed the mark, and gives you the space you need to take care of yourself?
- The Silent Mental Load: From managing every last appointment to keeping track of school schedules and groceries, moms carry the mental load of the household, often in silence and perfectly on autopilot. Toilet paper low, yeah that’s on us. It’s hard to explain how deeply draining this responsibility is to someone who doesn’t experience it.
I know what it’s like to be at your wits’ end. When my husband was away, the mental load felt like a prison, and I resented feeling like I couldn’t say a word. Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
Creating a Safe Space for Vulnerability
So how do you start to unearth all of this in a way that doesn’t lead to arguments or resentment? You’re going to have to open up, even if it feels vulnerable or scary.
1. Find the Right Moment
You need to choose a time when you’re both calm and can talk without interruptions. Late-night talks work for some couples, while others need a set-aside time. No kids around, no distractions—just the two of you.
2. Lead with Honesty, Not Blame
Instead of saying, “You’re never around,” try something like, “I feel so isolated sometimes, and it’s hard for me to talk about it.” This approach opens the door to a deeper conversation without triggering defensiveness.
3. Give Him a Clear Picture
Many partners don’t realize what moms are juggling until we lay it all out. Explain your day, your mental load, and what the loneliness feels like in a way he can truly understand. This will help him see that it’s not about what he’s doing wrong but about the support you need.
Asking for What You Need (And Letting Him Actually Show Up)
Once the conversation is open, it’s time to ask for specific support. Vague requests are confusing; clear, actionable requests make it easier for him to step in and help.
1. Be Specific with Your Needs
Instead of, “I need more help,” try, “Could you take over bedtime three nights a week?” or “Can you handle dinner on Sundays so I get a break?” Clear requests give him a way to support you directly, which also makes him feel more capable and involved.
2. Build Rituals of Connection
Being a team isn’t just about handling the tasks—it’s also about prioritizing time together. Set up a weekly check-in where you talk, plan, and ask each other, “How can I support you this week?” It’s a small ritual that builds connection and keeps you both engaged in each other’s lives.
3. Don’t Be Afraid to Reevaluate Together
Life changes, and so do needs. Make it a habit to come back to these conversations and adjust as needed. Sometimes, the solution that worked last month might need tweaking as schedules shift.
Finding Connection and Redefining Marriage Together
Creating an environment where you feel supported and safe in your marriage isn’t about magically making things easy. It’s about redefining what support looks like and realizing that your needs are valid, even if they don’t fit the “perfect mom” narrative. It’s hard, but you have to make the effort so you don’t end up destroying yourself inside, resenting your spouse, or ending up being a mess when the kids move out. My husband and I are now counting down to being empty nesters so we can focus on each other again and date our socks off!
I want you to know that it’s okay to feel the void you’re feeling now, to recognize that you need more than just occasional support. Finding ways to communicate this to your spouse and making space for your own needs will be key to feeling like you’re truly in this together.
How I Finally Got Through: For us, it took a serious heart-to-heart (with tissues and some yelling, let’s be real). I explained how I felt when he was away, and how I needed him to truly understand my daily struggles. But I did it in a way that let him see the light of what I was shouldering day-today, not that made him feel like a failure. It was a turning point that shifted our relationship, helping us realize we could approach life as partners.
Solutions Beyond the Conversation: Building Lasting Support
Having a conversation is just the beginning. Here are some other ways to maintain connection and support over the long haul.
1. Share the Mental Load
Create a shared calendar or to-do list. When both partners can see what’s on the schedule, it builds understanding and helps even out the load.
2. Seek Professional Support Together
Sometimes an outside perspective makes a world of difference. A counselor or coach can guide you both in finding ways to communicate more effectively and support each other.
3. Find Your Own Outlet for Connection and Care
Whether it’s a mom group, a close friend, or a therapist, you need a space where you can talk freely about the ups and downs. Connection with others who understand makes a huge difference in feeling supported. We have a Friday pour out in the Empowered Moms Membership, and it’s powerful! We dump it out the trash from the week, and move forward.
You Deserve Real Support—Without the Guilt
Moms, you are not meant to carry this alone. You deserve the same level of care and support that you give to everyone else, without the guilt or fear of asking for it. Building a supportive partnership in marriage takes work, but the reward—a marriage built on understanding and mutual respect—is well worth it.
So start with a conversation. Lead with vulnerability. And know that support, even in small steps, can make all the difference in the world.
Remember: You’re doing an extraordinary job, even on the days it feels impossible. And when you have the support you deserve, that’s when you truly thrive and life goes from survival to finding real joy and purpose.
xo,
Jenn & The Empowered Moms Team
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